Adoption: They Didn't Get to Play

They didn’t get to play very much. Maybe they didn’t get to play at all.

When we first brought them home they could not speak a word of English but the language barrier was not the reason why they didn’t “play”.  For so long they were more concerned with scrounging for food and securing a place to sleep at night than they were about toys and games. Having clothing to wear was a higher priority than fun and silliness. They did not have shoes nor did they have a safe haven they could call home. This is part of their early childhood reality that brought them to the place of adoption.

It has been 4 years since they have been in our family. We try to go about life as any other family would: busy, chasing, schedules to keep. Despite how long we have been together, there are still surprising defining moments of overwhelming gratitude. Both of my adopted children struggle immensely at school with academics. My son comes home exhausted every day and as we pull out his homework he asks, “Can I just play?” Maybe he is attempting to avoid his work and is trying to get out of it. But perhaps he is trying to make up for the lost years, regaining the days he was not given the freedom to just be a child.  

He has learned to play. He watched other children and followed their lead. Now he laughs and giggles and loves the opportunity to build. He constructs and creates imaginary places, stories and adventures. He may not recognize it but he is given the pleasure of just being a kid. Although he still has to do his homework, I recognize the privilege as his mom of being able to tell him, “Ok. Now go and play!” 

Oh, what a gift it is. 

Photo: Courtesy of my son's imagination & a passion to wage wars with little green army men.

The Moment Every Mother Dreams About

Chopping tomatoes.

Slicing cucumbers.

Cutting up celery.

Peeling potatoes.

Whipping ingredients with the hand mixer.

In one accord with the radio they each sing along, “…He is Lord, Lord of all.”

The hour of time every mother dreams about. The pinnacle moment of my prayers and hopes for our family all answered in the clatter of the kitchen with my kids. All of the squabbling and teasing fades and the chorus of my children rings out love. They are working together, helping and serving one another; each one of them has something to contribute. They are unaware of the celebration spilling out joy as they pitch in. They are not at odds but working towards a common goal. Hard at work and singing praise songs about the Lord of all, the Lord of our family.

All 5 of my children helped me prepare the items we were in charge of bringing for the Thanksgiving celebration. I did not demand it, nor could I have created the beautiful aroma of our family today. It was a divine blessing in an unexpected hour. 

Today, my cup runneth over with thanksgiving and gratitude.

 My prayer for you: May your heart overflow with grace and appreciation as you see God display His handy work in your life as well. Countless blessings to you and your crew this Thanksgiving! Amen.  

Are Pastors More "Christian" than the Rest of Us?

Are people in the “ministry” more Christian than the rest of us? If we are honest, I bet most of us are on the same lines of thinking: pastors and missionaries are doing God’s work, the sacred work of God. The rest of us who work at regular old jobs, live regular old lives are a little lesser than “sacred”.

One of my favorite subjects to read and study about is “calling”. What are you passionate about and called to do? Then, how to do you get to the point of doing it? I have read numerous books. I have listened to countless sermons on the subject. I have prayed endless prayers and sat through various classes and seminars. I have had many, many discussions and encouraged others to pursue their divine purpose right along with me.

Today I heard a sermon entitled Whatever by Louie Giglio (Passion City Church) that added an incredibly insightful twist on the subject of passion and calling. In my various pursuits to discover a calling and to make an impact on the world, I have never heard it worded quite this way before:

“It is not what you do that determines whether your work is sacred or secular,

 it is why you do it (it is the motive).”

If “whatever” you are doing makes you come alive and your motive is to bring glory to God, than you are living your calling. It is the sacred work God has asked YOU to do! How simple. How invigorating. How easy a load to carry. What a divine difference we can make right where we are at… every single one of us!!

(Maybe you already knew this. But I needed to hear it; I thought it was worth sharing.)

“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.  Colossians 3:17

What Comes to Mind?

Broken.

Beat down and shattered.

Snatched away and destroyed.

Cut off before completion.

Messed up.

What comes to mind? Something popped in to your memory when you read some of those phrases. You may be curious about the story of my glasses but that wasn't what really came to mind. Pause. What was it? It was near and dear to your heart. Something you had hoped for that didn’t happen. Something you had been dreaming up and have yet to see it come to fruition. Most assuredly there is pain. Disappointment. Unanswered questions. Unfairness.

This is not the end. This is not the final straw. It is not easy, nor is it quick. But there is a possibility of something different. Not by me. Not by you. But by the God and Creator of the universe. Nothing is impossible for Him. Nothing is out of His control.

Will you rest your “mess” in Him today? Trust Him for restoration. Trust Him for healing. Trust Him for hope. The bigger the mess, the more He can re-build. The deeper the pain, the further in to our hearts He can sooth. The tougher the situation, the more He can reveal His glory and power. God loves you and wants to care for you… every part of you!

(Image Source: courtesy of my dog, Cocoa Bean, chewing up my glasses! Oct. 2014)

Adding a Little to Make Big Difference

She had an easy bake oven. We were well on our way to becoming mature and responsible young women. Well, OK maybe not women but at least we could make cookies on our own: chocolate chip cookies. We mixed the butter and the brown & the white sugars together and then hit our first snag already. Vanilla. Pulling the brown bottle with a red label out of the cabinet we realized it was empty. What could we do?

“I don’t know what it does to the cookies but maybe we can substitute something else in its place.”

Rummaging through the cabinet we found another bottle that was the same size, color and shape as the vanilla. It had the same kind of label on it, same red lid and even said “extract” too. As a matter of fact, there was almost no difference between the two bottles except one word: lemon, not vanilla. How could it hurt? Clearly we needed to add something to finish making these cookies; this bottle was just the ticket.

______________________________________________________

At that stage in life we did not know that adding just a few drops of the wrong thing could completely destroy any chance of goodness in the cookies; they were just about the most awful cookies I have ever had. But it is amazing how just a small dose of the right, or wrong, thing can change the outcome of any circumstance. For example, just a tiny trickle of complaining can implode the best of intentions. 

Luckily, the opposite is true as well; just a small amount of “God” in any situation can change lemons in to vanilla. All we have to do is invite Him; we can count on God to allow good to come out of anything, faithfully working for our best interest every time.

^“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Image Source: Google images http://www.thelittlekitchen.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/lemon-blueberry-mini-cheesecakes-the-little-kitchen-8394.jpg

Adoption: I Don't Remember the First Moment I loved Him

I don’t remember the first moment I loved him.

I do remember the first day we got him, in Ethiopia. He refused to sleep. Like babysitting a child we had met for the first time, we did not know what would work. Pulling out our bag of tricks we did all that we could think of to get him to sleep: snuggling, rocking him, letting him sleep next to his sister, ignoring his wandering and just leading him back to the bed. Nothing worked. Exhausted and hidden behind a language barrier, we finally called the adoption director.  She suggested a pack and play. An enclosed space. A cocoon of security and he finally fell asleep.

He did not always understand us.

He did not always want to listen.

He did not want to wear shoes or stay out of the busy street.

He loved running in parking lots and examining every car or truck.

He had a charming smile and a contagious giggle that mirrored the sweet joy in his heart.

For every adoption story, there is a moment we begin to truly love our child. For many, it is the first moment they meet. But not for all of us. I don’t remember the first moment I loved him. He had a bounding energy and a creative mind that far exceeded the capacity of his tiny little body. What were we to do with him? How would we ever find a “voice” in his life to coral his zest just enough to keep him safe but still let him be who he is?

More than four years later, I still find myself asking a few of these same questions. He never stops moving or jabbering or questioning. He is always curious. He does not always understand the risks and dangers. But he does know my voice. He has taken up a residence in my heart that was created only for him. I realize I don’t need to remember the first moment I loved him because when I look in to his eyes, I know I love him now. When I hold him in my arms, I know I have loved him for so long. He is my son and I know I will forever love him, more than my outward expressions can ever begin to describe.

(Totally awesome photo by my totally awesome cousin Bridget Clauson-Michau, http://bridgetsphoto.com/)

Do You Have It?

Do you have it? Have you found it? You know what I’m talking about. That thing. That thing that God put on your heart to do, to be that makes you come alive. It is there and has been for so long. Some of you already know what it is. Singing. Preaching. Dancing. Coaching. You have found it and can call it what it is. It is tangible. You have a label for it and can declare it to all the world.  

However, some of us are still looking for a word to call it. A classification in human and cultural terms that makes sense to people. Along with a definition, some of us are still scouting the world for a playing field where we can express it, put terms and rules to it and discover exactly what a “win” with it looks like. For those of you on the same exploration track as me, let me give you some good news. I saw the exact word in the dictionary the other day we need; I didn't know this word was even in there. I was so relieved to have found this. I was thrilled to know I am not alone. It is only a temporary tag but will hold us for as long as we need. Ready? Here's the word: whatchamacallit. It is no longer nameless. This label is good until further discoveries, studies and research proves otherwise.

Whatchamacallit is a term free for all who need it, for as long as you need it. 
So, keep dreaming. Keep searching.

There is joy in the journey.   

Truth About Adoption: They Do Not Choose This

He will appear in court and declare before a judge whether he wants to be adopted or not. A friend of mine is adopting a sibling set of 3 from Ethiopia (follow her amazing story here). The way it stands in Ethiopia now, all children age 13 or older must represent their own desire "to be" or "not to be" adopted. He is the oldest of the 3 children and because of his age, he must go to publicly represent himself and his wishes in a court of law.

Let me assure you no child wants to be adopted, not even to an American family with what would seem like unlimited resources at their disposal: clean water, food, (safe) shelter, education and medical care. It is never a child’s first “choice” to be abandoned at a young age and in a situation where no one cares for their basic needs. Every child longs to be kept safe and loved in the folds of their biological parents, no matter the nationality, creed or position. 

As an adopted parent of a child who, for countless days and years, reminded us over and over again, “I do not want to be here. I don’t want to be in your family.” I came to grips with the fact that this had nothing to do with me; although at first glance it appeared to be, those words were not actually meant to be a rejection of who we are as a family or what we have to offer. Those feelings were honest and cut to the core of who my daughter was and how she felt about her painful story. She did not choose to lose her father to malaria. She did not choose to have her mother leave her alone every day as she went off to work. She did not choose to have to scavenge for food, to sleep alone and to meet her own needs… at the tender young age of 5 (and for who knows how many years leading up to that). She did not choose the ultimate decision of being put up for adoption. She did not choose adoption… at first.

A little over a year ago my daughter had a dream with a “man” dressed in all white, who was bright and spoke very clearly to her. He breathed peace into the unsettling and unrelenting fight in her sole. He answered all of her questions and calmed the raging storm in her heart. He knew her. He knew everything about her. He gently told her He had placed her in this new family because He loved her.  Soon after, she came to us with tears streaming down her face saying, “I am sorry for not being nice. I want to be in your family now. I will try.”

And she has been true to her word. Oh how she is trying. It is not a perfect picture; some days are better than others. It is not always easy for us as her parents or even her 4 siblings to learn a new way to relate to her; she has dramatically changed. Now she wants to stay. Now she wants to be in this family! Trust is not easily or quickly built. But it IS being built, one new day at a time. Words cannot begin to express the gratitude we feel for the change of heart. It was a decision we could not choose for her. She has now chosen: adoption.

So, will the young boy go to court and say "yes" or "no" to adoption? I do not know. But I pray the Lord's grace and love seeps in to the broken fragments of the boy’s story bringing him to this place. I pray that God's healing power will allow an undeniable answer to spring forth: yes! 

Wake Up -- Monday Morning

I saw this sign in a store window in downtown Geneva. I took a picture of it to send to a blogger I follow who is always sending out pep talks about being “AWESOME” (John Acuff).  He is a fellow dreamer. Normally, I want to share in the ideas he talks about and get caught up in the thoughts to truly becoming awesome. But it’s Monday morning and I’m tired. I don’t want to get out of bed, nor do I want to accomplish anything big today. Rolling over and pulling the blankets up over my head sounds better.

But then I took a closer look at the photo. In the process of taking the photo, the store window allowed a reflection of me to become a part of the photo. Can you see it? (Top left hand side of the photo). It's subtle but do you notice the difference? It isn't just a sign for the guy who is a professional speaker/writer who get’s paid to cheer other people on. It’s a “sign” for me too. Today I have the choice to wipe away the crust from my eyes, kick the covers off and get the day started… not just for ordinary things but for something awesome.

Alright. Let’s go be awesome! Who’s with me?

Definition of a Dream

The definition caught me by surprise. Dreams: something you do at night while sleeping.

I stopped in my tracts and mentally ripped that page from my mind’s memory book. That definition missed the mark. Dreaming is done fully awake, with complete conscientiousness. It is dusting off the routine & the ordinary and allowing your heart to soar towards ideas and notions that are not humanly feasible. Making the time to dream allows God the opportunity to take our passions and our plans and transforms them in to His possibilities we could never accomplish on our own.  It’s standing at the edge of familiar & predictable and leaping off into unknown places you were designed to go to.  

Through hard work and a whole lot of prayers, dreams turn us inside out, becoming more of who we truly are than we could have ever expected. Muscles will tighten and exhaustion may creep in but a deep satisfaction will arise as we pursue God, the Giver and Creator of those dreams.

Don’t fall asleep my fellow dreamers… you don’t want to miss this!

(Photo: the rock was taken from a place I would like to work at someday. Dreaming & believing in prayer.)

Why Do Good People Suffer?

©      Less than 2 weeks ago a mom died of breast cancer. One of her four sons was in my 7^th grade daughter’s class. Her youngest twin sons had gone to preschool with my youngest son; she left a beautiful and lasting impression. Although I had lost touch with her since then, the resounding giggles from her identical twins continues to ring in my ears. Undoubtedly those sons are heavy with a sadness they have never known before.

©      A baby died on Sunday, the day before the due date. It was told that he may have Downs-syndrome and the parents could have ended this pregnancy very early on. They chose to celebrate and embrace this life.  For an unknown reason, it was snuffed out before they could even behold their son, present him a name and receive him in to this world. We are at a loss for words to console this co-worker of my husband.

©      Another mom died last night. She had been battling cancer for many years. Her sons remained by her side these last few days praying and calling out to God for a miracle. Although tired and warn out, she fought hard through the weekend but could not ward off pneumonia and her liver shutting down. She is at rest now. The football team will rally behind her sons and husband as they grieve this insurmountable loss but an emptiness remains.

Questions have been asked for centuries; they are not new to the human condition. The injustice of it all seems to beckon us to ask “Why?”.  Why must such precious life be taken away too early? Why must innocent and good people suffer endlessly only to lose their battle? Where is the justice in all of this pain, loss?

Those called followers of God are not exempt from the difficulties of life. We know clearly that hardships and death fall on all, the just and the unjust, equally. We are all subject to the consequences of living in a “fallen” world. With one bite the perfect Eden was closed off and the world as it was suppose to be changed. It would now relentlessly offer toil and burden; labor and hard work forever was the penalty of the original sin.

As Christians though, we know God is good. He is good when we have victories. He is good when we lose. He is not the originator of the pain and strife; the Devil gets credit for that. God is, however, the Originator of healing for our hearts, the great Comforter in the midst of sorrow. Although it would seem easy enough to blame God, it is He who sustains us when we are subject to life’s troubles. He offers a hope NOT to get us out of difficulties but to walk us through the difficulties.  He cares for us and never leaves us alone. It is the heart of a faithful and sovereign God who endlessly loves us in all circumstances of our lives.

Oh Lord, what a treasure You are to cling to when nothing else makes sense.

Prayer: Thank you Lord for not leaving us alone in this world. Thank you for loving us, especially when we are hurting and without answers. Thank you for sustaining us with Your peace when life throws such unexplainable hardships. We are so grateful for Your comfort when nothing else brings hope. Lord, we never want to know where we would be without YOU in our lives!

“My flesh and my heart may fail, 

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” 

Psalm 73:26 ESV

What Is Your "Real" Name?

What name do you call yourself? What label do you wear? How do you define who you are?

Unloved.

Ugly.

Not worth anyone’s time.

Fat.

Stupid.

Abandoned.

We all have our stories to tell and reasons why we have fallen prey to believing these lies told to us (sometimes all it took was to hear it once and we believed it). Let me assure you none of those names belong to you. They are not true.

You may be thinking, “Yeah. Easy for you to say… you don’t know me.”

I may not know you. I may not know the full story. I may not know all of the jaded details that have been building blocks in these names you have allowed yourself to wear. But God knows you. God knows every detail. God alone can change your name back to the one He recognizes you as:

Child of the King.

Worth pursuing.

        Worth dying for.

Accepted just the way you are.

Beautiful.

Beloved.      

   

Unconditionally loved.

So, who’s name will you wear?

“The Father has loved us so much! This shows how much he loved us: We are called children of God. And we really are his children.” 1John 3:1

Image source: Google Images: http://chinabeings.com/news/chinese-peoples-english-names-is-there-a-method-to-the-madness.html

How to Achieve Your Dream: Characteristics From My Dog

Patient. She sits perfectly still waiting, ready for just the right opportunity to reveal itself.

Hopeful. She has never achieved this goal before but that does not deter her relentless pursuits.   

Specific. Constantly surveying her options but not moving until she knows the right one has come.

Determined. Bounding at the precise moment that finally arrives, giving it the fullest force of "everything" she has.

Willingness. Despite uncertainty of being able to achieve the goal on her own, she offers what she can do.

Trusting. Although she cannot foresee the final outcome, she follows her unwavering heart.

Partnering. She has convinced others around her that it IS possible & they join in her efforts.

Faithful. She only considers the truth: anything is possible! There is no other way to live life.

My dog Cocoa Bean is determined to catch a squirrel & gives a valiant effort every day. Our 7 year old son/adventurer joined in her efforts with a homemade squirrel trap (I wonder if squirrels like plastic cheese and butter?). 

Look In the Mirror

Take a look in the mirror. 

Don't do the quick glance over... take a good look. Lean in and see what is really there.

It is not a reflection pieced together by distortions and blemishes. It is not an image of mess ups and mistakes. 

It is a masterpiece in process being made complete by the Creator of the universe. 

Don't shy away or hide what is really there.

Go ahead & be who God made you to be.  

(Second image taken in a window display downtown Geneva, IL)

Through The Eyes of a Child

Adult phrases interpreted in the mind of a 7 year old adventurer…

1. Hanging on by a thread. (Can you guess which one is his towel?)

2. Feeling "blue" today. (An original masterpiece, complete with signature)

3. Take on the world.

4. Climb to new heights. (See if you can find the plastic orange gun hidden in the tree?)

5. Cash in on life.

Why Is It Easier to Point Out the Negative?

The green tooth brush is left out again. It sits on the kitchen window sill again. After so many requests for the tooth brush to be kept tucked away properly in the bathroom, here it rests out in the open… again.

Why does this 8 inch piece of plastic with bristles on the end grind at me, stirring up so much irritation? Yes, I can justify my habitual nagging by saying she is being disrespectful. She has been told countless times not to leave it out and refuses to listen. I judge her motives by her actions and slap a label to it. She is wrong again and again and I demand that this must change.

----------------------------------------------------

While driving in the car yesterday, the preacher on the radio discussed negativity. Immediately the hairs on my arms stood up and I wanted to hide. I was convicted. I was embarrassed by my behavior. Why is it so much easier for me to point out the negative things my children do and not the good? I am quick to point it all out: the complaining, the shortage of gratitude, the fighting and the insufficiency of respect. Why don’t they listen? Get along? Get it right? Put that tooth brush away?!

My face reddened and my heart was pierced.

I do not want to be the negative mom. I want to be the mom that tells them I love them, first. I want to be the mom that cheers them on and sees the best in them. I want to be the mom that offers grace and patience. I do want to be a mom that keeps her children accountable but I want to be the mom that puts the value of the relationship with my child far above perfect behavior or a clean house.

----------------------------------------------------

I sit each one of them down today, separately. I look them in the eye and see a reflection of God’s beautiful creation glaring back at me. I confess my negativity and ask for forgiveness. I declare my love for them and how proud I am of them. One by one, they each extend the grace to clear the slate.

The toothbrush remains on the window sill again, and I know it’s going to be OK. 

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." 

Ephesians 4:2

Fun Among Sisters

A prize for good behavior at school was hung on her door with pride: a Star Wars dry erase board. 

Youngest sister wrote a special note to everyone in the family about the rules she wanted them to know:

The sassy oldest sister changes the wording slightly... and hides her authorship by putting middle sister's name on it.

Older two sisters: think it's funny to play. 

Youngest sister: keeps asking who changed the rules? 

Mom: wonders if this is normal "sister" behavior?

"So...What Do You Do All Day?"

“So what do you do all day?” People are frantic to know how I spend the hours each day that all 5 of my children are at school. (It has only been 3 weeks.)  

For years I have been plotting and planning how I would be able to spend the time when this day finally arrived. I confess one superficial objective was being able to go to the gym without a child in tow; I wouldn’t have to feel bad about doing something for myself at their expense. I could stay and work-out and perhaps even socialize a little without worrying if I was taking too long while my son/daughters were in the childcare room.

So, here I am with my days free and the “getting to the gym” idea is the furthest thing from my mind (I don’t even belong to a gym anymore). Don’t get me wrong, I am still committed to getting in my workouts. However, I do everything I can to get them in before the kids even leave the house in hopes of keeping the day open.

With a husband that coaches and raising 5 kids, I am never lacking for things "to do". I have been looking for a job and going to interviews. I write in my blog and have served at church. I have been running family errands, grocery shopping and making dinners [The sports schedules start the minute the kids get home which means we need to eat dinner at 4:15 and then go, go, go]. But the best answer I can say about how I spend my days: praying. Jeremiah and I started a 40 day prayer challenge (Draw the Circle: The 40 Day Prayer Challenge by Mark Batterson).  It’s a trial to change the way I pray; it’s a venture to be more specific, more persistent and to dig a lot deeper than I normally would, believing God can breakthrough any situation.

Every day I desire to be productive. I am desperate to be useful and to be able to use my God given talents and passions to contribute to a something meaningful, substantial and with a lasting impact. But I recognize I cannot create something out of nothing. I cannot open up opportunities that do not exist. But God can. Praying actually ends up being the most effective use of my time.

Prayer Challenge Day 23: Lord, I am still not completely clear about where you are leading me and what You have in mind for me to do (in terms of a job). But I trust You. I am grateful for the extra time I have to know You more during this period of waiting. I am confident that You have a plan. I pray these days will be fruitful and bring glory to Your name. Amen.

(Image source: Google Images http://www.eagleonline.com/the-magical-to-do-list/ and http://campusadvent.com/?p=365)

Adoption: Hues of Unfolding Love

I stand at the sink in the quiet of the morning rinsing the dishes. I hear the gentle sounds of footsteps coming down the steps. I can identify which child it is from the delicateness in the steps. They are slow. They are delaying the entrance in to the kitchen. With her head down she slinks into room and asks me if she can “talk to me”.

After last night’s events, I turn in hesitation and cynically wonder, “What is it this time?”

“Mom, I wanted to apologize for being mad last night. I understand why you wanted me to go to bed on time… you wanted me to be safe and get a good night’s rest. Will you forgive me?”

I pause. Rushing to the front of my mind are small glimpses of so many years of her anger, her sadness and her general disdain for the sense of family. She did not choose to be here. She did not want to be here. She did not keep quiet about her feelings. But about a year ago she had a change. God breathed new life in to our daughter and began a healing of the broken, unsettled piece of her heart. It has not been perfect. It has not been easy. But it has been a trickle of building trust and various hues of an unfolding love.

I was not expecting an apology for her sulking and exaggerated gestures of anger from the night before. I am surprised.

“Do you forgive me?” she asks again.

As God has done with me so generously and on so many, many occasions: I forgive.

It is a new day. 

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions never fail.

23 

They are new every morning;

    great is Your faithfulness."

Lamentations 3:22-23

Find Your Place

She knows exactly what she wants.

It’s not complicated or difficult.

She has indulged in the purest of joy.

She simply rejoices in this position and has found her peace.

Prayer: May we each find our own “window” of opportunity that makes our hearts soar and our inhibitions fly, blowing away any sense of the ordinary. It is a new day. May our souls nestle in to a new freedom found in the situations that God has placed us in.  May we not waiver or doubt but resound in the satisfaction of knowing who we are created to be. May we allow God to drive us to new adventures beyond our wildest dreams and allow Him to ignite a passion for a life that brings Him glory. Amen.