Adoption: I Don't Remember the First Moment I loved Him

I don’t remember the first moment I loved him.

I do remember the first day we got him, in Ethiopia. He refused to sleep. Like babysitting a child we had met for the first time, we did not know what would work. Pulling out our bag of tricks we did all that we could think of to get him to sleep: snuggling, rocking him, letting him sleep next to his sister, ignoring his wandering and just leading him back to the bed. Nothing worked. Exhausted and hidden behind a language barrier, we finally called the adoption director.  She suggested a pack and play. An enclosed space. A cocoon of security and he finally fell asleep.

He did not always understand us.

He did not always want to listen.

He did not want to wear shoes or stay out of the busy street.

He loved running in parking lots and examining every car or truck.

He had a charming smile and a contagious giggle that mirrored the sweet joy in his heart.

For every adoption story, there is a moment we begin to truly love our child. For many, it is the first moment they meet. But not for all of us. I don’t remember the first moment I loved him. He had a bounding energy and a creative mind that far exceeded the capacity of his tiny little body. What were we to do with him? How would we ever find a “voice” in his life to coral his zest just enough to keep him safe but still let him be who he is?

More than four years later, I still find myself asking a few of these same questions. He never stops moving or jabbering or questioning. He is always curious. He does not always understand the risks and dangers. But he does know my voice. He has taken up a residence in my heart that was created only for him. I realize I don’t need to remember the first moment I loved him because when I look in to his eyes, I know I love him now. When I hold him in my arms, I know I have loved him for so long. He is my son and I know I will forever love him, more than my outward expressions can ever begin to describe.

(Totally awesome photo by my totally awesome cousin Bridget Clauson-Michau, http://bridgetsphoto.com/)