How Much More to Give?

“I have had it!” I scream as if breaking the sound barriers of my soul. I throw myself down on the floor. In my rage, I kick my feet, stomping and jerking my legs from side to side. With my arms flailing in circles, I clench my fists and raise them to the invisible opponent I am wrestling with. Snarling and spitting, I yelp out one final moan towards the heavens and then lay silent, flat on my back. I am angry. I am exhausted.

In my weakness, I whisper, “Why must I give up so much of my life?”

Then louder. “ No one seems to cares about what I want.

Even louder, “Where am I in all of this?”

 As loud as my heart will cry out, “How much more can one person give?”

Rolling over on to my stomach, I curl my feet under my bent knees. Gently I raise my tear stained eyes not even bothering to wipe them away and suddenly begin to see something that was not there before.  It is clear, just past the shadow in front of me:  a wooden cross. There is no one on it but there are obvious remains telling that someone was there. Dried up blood trails where beaten hands once were. A thorn of crowns at the nail centered at the top of the middle beam. A tiny shred of linen fabric left at the place where the feet could not bear the weight of its occupant.

From behind me a voice begins calling me by name, without judgment or disdain of the ugliness and self-centeredness I am adorned in.  He comes closer, wrapping His arms around me and enfolding every inflamed and selfish part of my being. There is love. There is peace. Without a single word spoken His touch tells me, “Keep sacrificing until there is nothing left… just as I did for YOU!”

“Then Jesus said to his followers, “If any of you want to be my follower, you must stop thinking about yourself and what you want. You must be willing to carry the cross that is given to you for following me.  Any of you who try to save the life you have will lose it. But you who give up your life for me will find true life.” (Matthew 16:24-25--ERV)

Prayer: Lord, I choose to follow You. Please change me and help me not be so self centered. Give me the strength to follow You in your example of a life of sacrifice. This is a hard prayer but I know it will bring glory to Your name. I trust in You alone to guide me; I surrender my whole life to You!